Talking to children about the deadly Texas floods

DALLAS – When tragedies strike, families often grapple with the difficult task of discussing the events with their children. Annie Tam, a licensed professional counselor with MEND Counseling, emphasizes the importance of direct communication and seeking specialized support if needed.

Seeking Professional Help

Tam advocates for finding a trauma-informed therapist, or a practice with such specialists. This ensures that therapists are equipped to handle the sensitive nature of traumatic events. 

Options like play therapy for younger children or EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) for trauma-specific processing can be beneficial.

Communicating with Younger Children (10 and Under)

When speaking with children aged 10 and under, Tam advises using specific, concrete language. Parents often try to soften the blow with euphemisms, but this can be confusing for a child. 

For example, instead of saying “we lost Sally,” which a child might interpret as “Sally can be found,” it’s crucial to state clearly, “Sally has died. Death means Sally is not coming back. She no longer breathes or eats.”

It’s natural for parents to want to shield their children from pain, but using direct language, even while grieving themselves, is vital for a child’s understanding. Children in this age group are beginning to grasp the concept of death. Tam suggests letting the child lead the conversation, allowing them to ask questions as they arise.

Avoid Misleading Language

Phrases like “lost somebody” or “went to live in heaven” can be misinterpreted by young children. Children might associate “lost” with something that can be found, similar to losing and then finding a toy. 

While faith can be a source of comfort, Tam cautions against language that might suggest a temporary absence, as this can lead to further confusion and questions.

Grieving is a process, and parents don’t need to have all the answers immediately. It’s acceptable to tell a child, “I don’t have all the answers.”

Maintaining Ongoing Dialogue

Conversations about loss should not be a one-time event. Tam encourages parents to continue bringing up the topic, creating an ongoing dialogue rather than a single discussion to “check off.” 

Parents can initiate these follow-up conversations by sharing their own feelings. For example, “I’ve been thinking a lot about Sally lately, and it makes me sad sometimes. How are you doing?”

For older or more mature children, parents can even create a plan for checking in, such as a hand signal or a regular brief conversation, respecting that some days a child may not want to talk.

Establishing Trust as the Primary Source of Information

In an age of readily available information, it’s important for parents to position themselves as a trusted source. Tam advises directly telling children, “I am your safe person. I’m creating this safe space.” 

This open invitation allows children to bring their questions and concerns to their parents rather than rely on potentially inaccurate information from peers.

Addressing Fears About Future Safety

Children, especially after a traumatic event, may develop fears about their own safety or similar events reoccurring. Tam suggests explaining that such incidents are rare occurrences, comparing them to something uncommon like cancer versus a common cold. 

Reassure children that parents will not knowingly send them into an unsafe situation. “Trust me, we love you, and we are not going to send you somewhere that’s not safe. This was rare.”

Annie Tam’s insights highlight the profound impact of clear, empathetic communication and the importance of professional support in helping children navigate grief and trauma.