Dr. Becky revealed a big parenting regret — and how she would handle it differently today.
“The thing that really gets in the way of learning and growing … is our shame,” Dr. Becky, a clinical psychologist and mother of three, tells TODAY.com. “Shame freezes us and … freeze is an anti-learning defense state that keeps us where we are.”
Dr. Becky, a popular parenting expert and author, shared a story about how she didn’t let her daughter come into her room at night in a new podcast episode, a clip of which she posted to her Instagram account “Dr. Becky at Good Inside.”
“I feel like a monster as I talk about it — she was 3,” Dr. Becky said in the video. “I didn’t let her come into our room. I think I was so fearful — I don’t know what — It was like, this rigidity of, ‘I can’t do that, that’s my boundary.’ I didn’t see what I wish I saw now, which is: She’s so aware and perceptive and has so many deep feelings about change and transitions anyway, and she’s so scared.”
“She slept on the wood floor outside of our bedroom — for months,” Dr. Becky said in the clip, adding, “I think she hardened around it and was trying to compensate. She started saying, ‘I’m a wood person. I don’t like beds, I’m a wood person.’”
She added, “If I could go back, I would have handled that totally differently; what’s also true is that period did not define my relationship with my daughter.”
The parenting expert explained in her caption: “I still feel a wave of shame when I talk about this.”
“Repair is powerful,” wrote Dr. Becky. “And yes, even I have regrets from my parenting journey. It is never too late. My most recent podcast episode is one you don’t want to miss. I do something I’ve never done before — open up about my experience raising my Deeply Feeling Kid.”
Dr. Becky tells TODAY.com that it’s important to work through shame.
“All shame does is get in someone’s way of looking at a hard situation so that they can learn and grow and do differently tomorrow,” she says.
Dr. Becky reflects on how she and her daughter got through it.
“There was a lot of repair in terms of talking about it, using play … and, when I realized I wanted to do things differently — how we handled bedtime after that,” she says.
How to confront parental shame
“We can say: ‘There were times growing up, when you probably felt that I didn’t understand you and there were moments I wish I could do differently; those moments weren’t your fault and I’m thinking and learning from it,’” says Dr. Becky.
Instead of ruminating on a solitary incident, Dr. Becky suggests examining why it all fell apart.
“There is no such thing as a perfect parent,” says Dr. Becky. “Our society perpetuates parents not talking about their struggles, demonizing someone based on one stage and … the idea that a good mom knows it all and always handles every moment in a way they are proud of later,” says Dr. Becky.
Dr. Becky adds, “I’ve definitely learned the most … when I’ve been confused and overwhelmed and have wanted to do better.”
This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY:
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