Life with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can be incredibly challenging. For people with OCD, the condition is much more than ordinary worries — it’s a serious mental health condition that involves overpowering obsessions and compulsive behaviors that interrupt daily life in a significant way.
Family, friends, and coworkers may try to be supportive and reassuring, but well-intentioned comments can come across as dismissive and even hurtful. Phrases like “Just stop worrying!” or “We’re all a little OCD” may seem harmless, but they can minimize your loved one’s experiences. Even when said with good intentions, these remarks can make someone with OCD feel misunderstood or invalidated.
So, what should you say to someone living with OCD? Support often looks more like listening, validating, and encouraging professional help when needed. Here’s a look at common phrases to avoid when talking to someone with OCD — and more supportive alternatives you can use instead.
1. ‘Just Stop Thinking About It,’ or ‘Stop Worrying So Much’
Telling someone with OCD to “just stop worrying” oversimplifies their condition, which is complex and requires medical treatment, says Christine Crawford, MD, MPH, an adult and child psychiatrist and an assistant professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine.
Comments like this can unintentionally make the person feel weak or ashamed for not being able to “turn it off,” she says.
“OCD isn’t simply doing things repeatedly, lining things up, wanting things to be clean; it’s living with extreme anxiety. You can’t help it. You’re constantly living in a state of anxiety with these compulsions that result in functional impairment — socially, occupationally, academically,” Dr. Crawford says. “It can be really, really challenging.”
- Fear of dirt or contamination
- Preoccupation with violent images in one’s head or fear they’ll lose control and act in a violent way
- Fear of being responsible for a terrible event, such as a car accident, or that something they did will harm someone, such as accidentally dropping something on the ground that someone might slip on
- Preoccupation with evenness, exactness, or performing certain tasks “correctly”
- Excessive handwashing, often to the point that hands are raw
- Repeatedly checking that they didn’t harm anyone or that nothing terrible happened
- Performing activities in “multiples” (such as doing a task three times because three feels like a “good,” “correct,” or “safe” number to them)
What to say instead: “I don’t know much about OCD. Could you tell me more about it?”
Open-ended questions can help your friend feel heard and supported rather than judged. “Focus on your loved one’s experience rather than make assumptions about it,” Crawford says. You can ask about what makes it better, what makes it worse, or how you can help.
2. ‘You’re Being Dramatic’ or ‘It’s Not a Big Deal’
Your loved one may be struggling with their thoughts and compulsions to the point where they may seem over-the-top or melodramatic to you, but they can’t help how they’re feeling, says Dawn Potter, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, where she specializes in treating OCD, depression, and anxiety in adults.
Whether it’s checking the stove over and over to make sure it’s turned off, or needing to count in certain patterns to relieve anxiety, their thoughts and compulsions overtake them. “It might seem like nothing to the person who’s not having that intrusive thought, but to the person with OCD, what they feel is so real and so horrible,” Dr. Potter explains.
When you minimize OCD symptoms it can make the person feel dismissed. What may seem small or irrational to an outsider often feels overwhelming to the person experiencing it. Dismissing their fears or rituals can increase shame and isolation, Potter says.
What to say instead: “I can see this feels really big for you. How can I support you right now?”
Potter says people living with OCD may learn through therapy to shift gears via breathing techniques, mindfulness, or relying on a form of self-care they enjoy, like yoga, an exercise class, or a favorite TV show. Ask your loved one what they need from you and if you can do something to help them shift gears. Different people have different strategies they prefer.
3. ‘I Wish I Had OCD — You Must Be a Neat Freak’ or ‘I Wish I Had OCD — You Must Be So Organized’
The most common misconception about OCD is that people diagnosed with it are “neat freaks” or extremely tidy people, says Dean McKay, PhD, a psychology professor at Fordham University in the Bronx, New York, where he studies OCD at his Compulsive, Obsessive, and Anxiety Program (COAP) research lab. While some with OCD primarily experience concerns with symmetry and orderliness, that’s by no means typical, he says.
And if tidiness is their obsessive thought, it’s more than simply a preference for keeping organized. It’s to the point where your friend may cancel plans or skip work to organize their apartment, with this being a routine interruption to their life, Potter says. “It’s very painful for them. It’s not like the satisfaction a person feels after they clean their house. Typically with OCD, there can be a sense of it never being good enough, never being satisfied,” she says.
What to say instead: “It sounds like OCD can be really tough. Thank you for sharing what it’s actually like for you.”
For someone with a painful mental health diagnosis, it may be troubling to hear you’d like to have it too. “Comments like this can make them feel invalidated, because it’s actually not fun for [them] to be in this way,” Potter says. Instead have empathy for your friend. Show curiosity, support, and a willingness to listen to their experience and try to understand its complexities.
4. ‘We All Get a Little OCD Sometimes,’ or ‘We’re All a Little OCD About Something’
Equating everyday habits — like preferring a tidy desk — with OCD reinforces stereotypes, Dr. McKay says. OCD is not about liking things to be orderly or checking one time to make sure you locked the door. It’s far beyond that.
Comments like this can invalidate the severity of someone’s condition. “If someone had diabetes, another person wouldn’t dream of saying, ‘Yeah, I also have a little trouble with my sugar levels,’” he says.
“For someone with genuine OCD, these statements ultimately trivialize the condition, creating the impression that it is a matter of self-control,” he says.
What to say instead: “I know OCD is more than just habits. I’d love to understand more about what you go through.”
It may be hurtful for your friend with this condition to hear you comparing your preferences and habits to OCD. Avoid trying to be relatable, and focus on being a listening ear.
5. ‘Why Don’t You Just Stop Doing That?’
Whether it’s repeatedly checking to make sure the door is locked or washing hands excessively due to an intense fear of germs, compulsions are not something someone with OCD can simply stop.
They’re part of a cycle that provides short-term relief but worsens anxiety over time. Asking someone to simply stop can make them feel misunderstood or pressured, Potter says.
“People with OCD suffer in silence because they feel embarrassed about certain things that they worry about often. It’s minimized, so they feel like others don’t understand,” she says.
What to say instead: “I know resisting compulsions is tough. Have you found strategies that help?” or “I know it feels awful right now. It’s going to be okay.”
Potter recommends giving reassuring feedback instead of dismissive comments. Acknowledge how they’re feeling, tell them you can support them as they cope with this, and ask how you can help and whether they have go-to strategies that have helped them before.
Be cautious of inadvertently enabling your loved one’s compulsions, however. The goal is to shift away from their worries rather than continue the conversation about their obsessive thoughts. It can be as simple as asking how you can help to take their mind off it, Potter says.
If it’s a close friend or relative, you should ask if they’re getting professional help with their OCD, too. “If someone genuinely has OCD, the best recommendation would be to encourage them to seek the help of a qualified professional,” McKay says.
The Takeaway
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a serious mental health condition that often requires therapy and, in some cases, medication. It’s not simply about quirks, routines, or being “a little OCD.”
- Casual or dismissive comments like “Just stop thinking about it” or “You’re being dramatic” can unintentionally minimize what someone is going through, leaving them feeling invalidated and alone.
- Prioritize thoughtful, supportive language that recognizes the challenges of OCD when speaking to your loved one. Be curious, provide a listening ear, and ask how you can support them. This can make a real difference in how your loved one feels.
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