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If you’ve been on the internet lately, you’ve probably seen the term “narcissist” thrown around. It’s become a common label used to describe toxic traits and behaviors, often in the context of romantic relationships.
You may think of the classic love-bombing, manipulative cheater or the arrogant, entitled spouse who is always right.
Another type of relationship that’s often plagued by narcissism is the one between a parent and child. The narcissistic parent trope is often depicted in film, such as Faye Dunaway’s role in “Mommie Dearest,” or the neglectful parents in “Matilda.”
Narcissistic parents can shape the entire family dynamic and have a lasting impact on a child’s wellbeing. However, children of narcissists may not realize this until they’re struggling with the effects years or decades later.
How can you tell if a parent was a narcissist? TODAY.com spoke to Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, narcissism expert and author of “It’s Not You,” about the telltale signs that a person might’ve been raised by a narcissistic parent or caregiver.
What is narcissism?
“Narcissism is a personality style or pattern that’s characterized by some pretty set qualities and traits, and you have to have most, if not all, of them to call someone narcissistic,” Durvasula tells TODAY.com.
These include inflated self-importance, an excessive need for validation and admiration, entitlement, lack of empathy, pathological selfishness and arrogance, Durvasula explains. Narcissists often believe they are “special,” and expect favorable treatment.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Most people will exhibit some narcissistic qualities, to varying degrees, at different points in their lives (i.e. toddlers).
However, a narcissist has displayed a consistent pattern of these traits and behaviors, often to the extent that it causes problems in their life or for others. In relationships, narcissism can translate into manipulation, invalidation, betrayal or gaslighting, Durvasula adds.
Narcissism vs. narcissistic personality disorder
A common misconception is that “narcissism” is a disorder, says Durvasula. “Saying someone’s narcissistic isn’t diagnosing them. Assuming you’ve paid attention to the patterns, it’s making a comment on their personality,” she adds.
However, nrcissistic personality disorder is a disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
The DSM-5 defines NPD as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy, which begin in early adulthood and affect all areas of life, as indicated by meeting at least five out of nine specific criteria, per the Cleveland Clinic.
In order to be diagnosed with NPD, you have to be formally evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Bu there’s the problem.
“A lot of narcissistic people aren’t going to therapy,” Durvasula says. Even if they do, they may not be able to identify narcissistic traits or connect them to problems in their lives.
As a result, there are many people who meet the criteria but will never be diagnosed with NPD. “There are also people who have a diagnosis of NPD, and their narcissism isn’t nearly as severe as the many, many people out there who have never been diagnosed.”
As far as the prevalence of NPD, there is a lack of “good” data, says Durvasula, but research suggests it affects 1–6% of the population. That said, the number of people who have a narcissistic personality type (but not necessarily NPD) is likely much higher.
Traits of a narcissist parent
When a narcissist becomes a parent or caregiver, these traits can significantly impact how they raise children.
“The narcissistic parent often has a poor sense of differentiation from their child. … Their child is an extension of themselves,” says Durvasula. They may view a child’s independence as a threat, and use control and manipulation to maintain dominance. As a result, the child’s needs and emotions are often neglected.
Common traits among narcissistic parents include:
- Using children as a source of validation
- Prioritizing their needs over children’s
- Having unreasonable expectations
- Being unable to understand children’s feelings
- Being obsessed with their family’s appearance
- Not respecting child’s boundaries
- Giving love conditionally based on a child’s ability to perform or meet their expectations
Narcissistic parents often use enmeshment to control children. “It’s communicated in a million ways that the child doesn’t get to be separate from the parent, so the child having a need or a want that’s different would be selfish,” says Durvasula.
They often put themselves first. “There’s no awareness, no attunement to their child,” Durvasula adds. Children may feel responsible for their parent’s happiness, at the cost of their own desires and dreams.
If a child shows emotions that evoke shame in the parent, they are often viewed as a “bad kid.” They may blame one child for everything — the “scapegoat” — or pit children against each other.
Narcissistic parents also weaponize guilt. “Even if they don’t say it directly, they’ll say, ‘you owe me’,” Durvasula says.
“Narcissistic parents view themselves as special or perfect, and they expect that from their children,” Durvasula says. Errors are often not tolerated, and when errors do happen, the parent may become verbally abusive or give the silent treatment.
Generally, narcissistic parents lack empathy, but they can also be inconsistent with love. A narcissistic parent may have mostly bad days but one good day when they show glimpses of warmth and attention, which a child often holds onto, Durvasula notes.
Due to the appearance-obsessed nature of narcissists, this dysfunction isn’t always obvious. “It’s this dichotomized space where the Christmas cards look great or the home looks great, but there’s a real emotional impoverishment.”
Narcissistic relationships are also on a spectrum, Durvasula adds. At the most severe level, there’s violence and abuse. “Most people are at the moderate-to-mild end … but it’s still incredibly invalidating.”
No.1 sign of being raised by a narcissist
Growing up with a narcissistic parent or caregiver can significantly affect a person’s development, mental health and behavior in childhood and adulthood.
“The child doesn’t have options. They have to attach to their parents for survival. … This is also who feeds them and houses them … and who is meant to make them feel emotionally safe,” says Durvasula.
In order to maintain that attachment, children will learn to modify themselves, she adds, which can impact self-esteem.
Never feeling good enough
The No. 1 sign that a person was raised by a narcissist is chronically feeling like they are “not enough,” says Durvasula. “I haven’t done enough. I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t give enough. … That’s the guiding construct in their life.”
Other parenting styles or childhood trauma can also cause a person to feel this way, she adds. But “I think there’s something unique about the child with a narcissistic parent, because the myth sold to the child is that there’s always something they can do that would be enough.”
During adulthood, this may manifest as perfectionism, self-doubt, shame and imposter syndrome. “They’re always peddling faster and faster,” says Durvasula. “You (think) you have to earn love. You have to earn validation. You have to earn being seen.”
They may struggle to set boundaries or become codependent people-pleasers because they’re used to sacrificing themselves for a narcissistic parent.
Another telltale sign a person was raised by a narcissist is “difficulty expressing needs, wants or aspirations,” says Durvasula, adding that it’s because they were made to feel ungrateful or selfish when they did.
Inconsistent reactions from the narcissistic parent, like rage or emotional abandonment, also create anxiety. “Yelling at a kid is terrible. Withdrawing and withholding from a kid is worse,” says Durvasula. These children become adults who fear speaking up.
“(They think), ‘I better not share what I need or I’m going to lose my partner, or if I try to negotiate for a higher salary, this person won’t hire me, or if I say how I’m feeling people, will think I’m overly sensitive and dramatic,” says Durvasula.
What to do if you think your parent is a narcissist
First, always consult a mental health professional if you have concerns.
Generally, the first step is acknowledging the parent’s narcissistic behavior. “What they did wasn’t OK, and it hurt you,” says Durvasula.
Some children may struggle and feel disloyal, especially if the narcissistic parent had a difficult backstory, such as migration trauma or severe poverty. “You can be compassionate (toward) their narrative, but what they did was not OK,” says Durvasula.
Healing can look different for everyone. It may involve therapy, support groups and lifestyle changes.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach for dealing with a narcissistic parent. Some people may not engage at all or limit communication, whereas others adopt coping strategies because they still live with their parents, for example.
In any case, Durvasula recommends going into interactions prepared. “Have realistic expectations of this parent, recognize their limitations and interact with them as such.”
The parent may never apologize or change, but you can control your reactions and set boundaries.
Durvasula suggests using a trick she calls narcissist bingo. “Make a bingo card, or write a list, with all the things they do … whether it’s criticism about your job or looks, or gaslighting.”
Next, decide on a number of bingo spaces they can fill before you disengage. “If you can’t get out of the situation, do something else, go to the restroom and splash water on your face, walk to your car, whatever it is to help you regulate,” says Durvasula.
Finally, it’s important to practice self-care and nurture your inner child.
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