Have you ever dated someone, only to realize they already had a backup waiting in the wings before your relationship even ended? There’s actually a term for this unsettling dating behavior: it’s called monkey-barring. According to relationship experts, monkey-barring is when someone clings to their current partner while secretly lining up the next one, ensuring they never have to face being single. When the relationship starts to crumble, they don’t fall; they simply swing to the next person, like their last romance never happened.
Why do people do this?
These serial daters aren’t necessarily looking for love; they’re often running from loneliness. As relationship expert Angelika Koch explains, monkey-barring typically stems from a deep-rooted fear of being alone. It’s driven by the need for constant companionship, even if it means betraying trust or emotionally abandoning a partner before the relationship has officially ended.
“People who do this often lack emotional growth, because they are constantly moving through life in a fear-based manner to avoid the hard work it takes when healing from wounds in a past relationship,” Koch told Vice in an interview published Aug.17. “Jumping from one potential partner to the other doesn’t allow you room to truly grow and get to know yourself. It’s a fear-based action, normally based on codependency. Many people enjoy the thrill of doing this because it provides the security that you won’t be alone.”
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Koch added that many people emotionally detach from a relationship long before they physically walk away, sometimes months or even years in advance. They may have expressed their concerns, dropped hints, or even had the difficult conversations, but when nothing changes, they begin to mentally check out, slowly distancing themselves long before the final goodbye.
How can you tell if you’re being or committing monkey-barring?
So how can you tell if you’re monkey-barring, or if someone’s quietly doing it to you? One of the earliest red flags is emotional distance. According to Marriage.com, partners who are preparing to leave often begin to withdraw emotionally, showing less interest and investment in the relationship. They may seem distracted, disengaged, or mentally elsewhere, leaving their significant other feeling overlooked and unimportant.
As relationship expert Dionne Reid points out, distance is often the first sign that someone is already planning their exit. True intimacy, she says, thrives in presence; not in avoidance. When that connection starts to fade, it can be a sign that the person is already looking ahead to their next romantic option.
Another telling behavior is increased secrecy. Those who are monkey-barring often become guarded about their actions and communications. They might suddenly become protective of their phone, avoid discussing their day, or offer vague explanations about their plans. This lack of transparency can suggest they’re quietly exploring other romantic possibilities while still involved in their current relationship. Other warning signs of monkey-barring include frequent flirting with others or a noticeable decline in intimacy between you and your partner, Marriage.com notes.
So, if you’re a monkey-barrer or feel like someone is playing around with your heart—quit monkeying around!
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